Title: Remember My Name
I’ve spent seven years searching for the boy who taught me how to survive. Jay and I were foster brothers in the same house, hiding from an abusive alcoholic who made fear a daily rule. He taught me when to stay silent, when to disappear, when to run. At night, we hid in the barn and memorized facts about each other—names, birthdays, scars—because we knew we could be separated at any moment. We made a vow that no matter where they sent us, no matter how long it took, we would find each other again.
When I finally find Jay years later, he isn’t the boy I knew. He’s broken in ways that don’t heal cleanly, carrying what was done to him like it’s carved into his bones. But I made him a promise, and I intend to keep it. I didn’t survive all those years to lose him again.
JAY
I learned young that nothing stays, not homes and not safety. The only thing that ever felt solid was a boy who survived with me until they ripped us apart.
After that, I learned how to numb my pain. I told myself the boy I remembered was gone forever, because believing anything else hurt too much. Then he’s back in my life, and I want things I don’t deserve. I want him in ways I’m terrified to ask for.
Letting him close means letting him see the parts of me I keep buried, the damage I pretend doesn’t exist. If he really sees me, he’ll leave. And I don’t know if I’d survive losing him twice.
Remember My Name is a deeply emotional gay M/M hurt/comfort romance about found family, healing from trauma, recovery, and lasting love.
Review:
Ivan Collins grew up in foster care from the time that he was seven years old. He knows not to expect much, to keep his head down, eat as fast as possible without choking, and not to trust anyone. While most of this is true, he gets a break when he's twelve. He meets Jay Morrow, another foster kid who is two years older than him. Unfortunately, the Hendersons their foster parents of the moment, are not good people. Mr. Henderson is an abusive alcoholic, and his wife Mrs. Henderson doesn't care what he does, including what he does to the foster children they take in. It quickly becomes apparent to Ivan that the only reason the Hendersons take in foster kids is to have farm labor, and farm labor they actually make an income from at that. God forbid, if you make a mistake, look at someone in a way they don't like, or say the wrong thing because it means a beating or worse. Ivan wonders on a daily basis if he and Jay will survive the Hendersons.
Jay Morrow has been in the foster care system for his entire life. He has no memory of a before, unlike Ivan who remembers a little. He knows his mother's name only from the fact he sneaked a look at some documents one of the social workers had when he was younger. He knows he has to teach Ivan, who is smaller and younger how to survive the Hendersons. While he can't openly protect him, he vows to do whatever he can. For the first time in his life he feels like he has family. But it won't be easy surviving at the Hendersons, and while he doesn't intend to do anything to get him and Ivan separated, there is always the possibility that something he has no control over could happen so he makes it a priority that they know key information about each other. Information that no one else could know.
Less than a year into Ivan's stay the worst happens. Mr. Henderson comes home in a rage and goes too far severely injuring Jay. The boys know there is no way they can hide this, no way to prevent their separation. As expected the state removes both boths from the Hendersons and each are placed in different homes. Both are devastated having lost the only family either has ever known. Ivan lucks out after a few placements and winds up with a family that genuinely loves him. He's lucky and he knows it, but he is desperate to find Jay, the boy he loves as family. Jay has a worse time of it, cruel group homes and worse. He's barely making it, also desperate to find Ivan. But the foster care system won't help them, no matter how many times they beg social workers, and it is many long years before a chance newspaper article gives Ivan who is now nineteen a clue as to where Jay might be. When Ivan is sure he's found him, he drives two hours to the city he believes Jay lives in and backtracks until he finds him. But Jay isn't the same boy as Ivan remembers. Jay didn't get the same love and support that Ivan finally did. Jay is living in a run down motel that you pay by the week for because he doesn't make enough to afford a deposit on an apartment. He has a drinking problem, and maybe a problem with pills. While it is obvious the feelings are still there for both of them, it is equally obvious those feelings have changed from the love of brothers and family to the emotions of two men who are very attracted to each other. While they begin a relationship within weeks of finding each other again, Ivan worries about the alcohol, the pills, and the bar fights Jay has told him about. He worries he won't be able to convince Jay that he is worthy of love, and neither has any idea how they're going to make this work since they live two hours from each other. Can they make this work, or will Jay's mental demons win?
All I can say is wow, what a story! This book has some very hard to read parts and triggers for anyone who has experienced abuse as a child or within the foster car system. That being said, it is a very well written story. The characters are completely believable, and relatable. The author clearly did her research as far as the foster care system goes in the US. This emotional and heartbreaking story is well worth the read. You will cheer for these two as they overcome all obstacles despite the price. Again it is hard to read in places, particularly the abuse and Jay's struggle with self-esteem, PTSD, alcohol and pills, but Ivan's light and love make it all worth while. If you love emotional reads about underdogs who come out on top in the end then I can happily recommend Remember My Name.
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